Again, taken with mobile phone, hence the poor quality.

I knew I should have...

...gotten that flu shot. This is day 4 and I still feel like death warmed over. Fortunately I have very little that I absolutely *have* to do, so I've been staying home, chilling out with the animals, and trying not to puke. meanwhile, my headache rages on.

however, my gpa for last semester ended up at 3.75 - not fucking bad, considering.

back to bed.

Happy new year from the animals. This was taken with my mobile in the living room, hence the crappy resolution.

I intended to start this blog yesterday, with at least one photo per day, but I was in bed with the flu. I'm still not quite recovered, but I'm better.

Let me tell you a secret...

I found this interview fascinating, because it resonates so much with who I was 5 years ago. (You don't have to pay to read it - just watch a short ad.) The book author is a single woman who used to be promiscuous, but who's now committed to not having sex until marriage, and she describes why she thinks it deepens her relationships with people. A few excerpts that resonate with me:

the impression I got growing up was that men come and go, and you can't expect one to stay and value you, and you certainly can't expect one to marry you if you don't have sex with him. I really wanted to get married, and I believed that the only way a man would marry me was if I had sex with him.

I think the "Cinderella" type fairytales are the most destructive influence possible on a young girl. Your prince won't arrive until you're someone who values herself, and it's hard to both value yourself and give your body away freely.

I delayed full sex in part because I tended toward depression and feared that if I had sex with a man who didn't stay with me, I would fall into deeper depression. Which of course is what wound up happening. I got into my 20s, past the age when most people got married, and my dating life had not resulted in marriage. So I became cynical. I thought, "If I'm not able to get what I really want, which is marriage, I should get whatever pleasure I can." And so I fell into this vicious cycle: being lonely and depressed, having low self-image, having sex, thinking it would make me feel attractive and better about myself, and the man would leave, and I would feel more depressed and lonely.

I suppose some women can have sex without attachment, like some men... but is that really what we want to strive for?

Chastity isn't just about avoiding sex or sexual fantasy; it's about being open to all the blessings that others have to offer and not trying to fit people into pigeonholes. I have all these things I've been hoping a boyfriend would do with me -- holding my hand in public and going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I have a five-page mental list, and some he'll want to do with me and some may not be his style. He might not be the kind of man to hold my hand in public. He may express his affection in other ways. In that sense, it can be just as objectifying to picture [how he would behave at the wedding].

Women objectify men just as much as men objectify women, and it does the same degree of damage, because I've run across a lot of men who are afraid to be themselves because they think they won't match up to Hugh Grant in "Notting Hill" or Richard Gere in "Pretty Woman."

Instead of following the pop-culture prescription, to single-mindedly pursue a man who's going to make you happy, I am suggesting women should be singular and concentrate on being the best people they can be and displaying grace as individuals and as women. In doing that they will become more giving, more appreciative of everyone around them, so not only will they be better able to have meaningful friendships and relationships, but they will also be able to enjoy this time they have as singular women.

When I stopped having meaningless sex, I stopped objectifying myself.

If you're giving your entire body to a person without giving yourself emotionally, you're creating a dichotomy. You're setting yourself up to compartmentalize all your relationships into transactions.

Sex without attachment tends to involve a lot of gameplaying and manipulation, because without attachment, it's hard to have trust. This sort of mentality spills over into the rest of one's life, and I found myself thinking "what can you do for me?" rather than "what do I bring to the table?" If the person you've given your body to might just walk out the door at any moment, you learn to take what you can quickly and by whatever means necessary. Yes, friends-with-benefits is possible, but I've found a catch-22: if the sex is really good, it's hard to stay detached, and if the sex isn't that good, why bother anyway? Might as well masturbate.

What I'm trying to say is that whatever you're doing in your sex life is going to impact your ability to give emotionally in other areas.

Not only to others, but to yourself.

I was, as you say, focused on pleasing men, but I was also very narcissistic -- I had simply tied sex up with my self-image and thought, "If a man is not going to necessarily stay with me, then at least he can show me I am valuable in some sense by having sex with me."

Again, this was my thought process, five years ago, and I'm eternally grateful I found a way out.

I treasure those moments in our relationship when we seem to rediscover each other and are reminded why we fell in love in the first place. I don't really feel those moments can be consciously created, but the seeds can certainly be planted. He's been showing me how supportive and generous he can be, and it's time for some payback. He's got a surprise waiting when he gets home.

I know this giddiness won't last forever, but it's an extremely welcome reprieve from stress and complacency.

Excuse me, I'm going to go carve our initials in a park bench.

There's a paper I don't want to write. Well, I do, because the subject is fascinating to me, and I get to make maps for illustrations (yay!) but my thoughts are all tangled at the moment. I'm very much a perfectionist; I have this fear that if I start writing, it won't come out the way I intended, and I'll ruin the whole thing. Which is why I've never written a book, even though I've been told numerous times that I have the capability. Come to think of it, it's also why I never ended up at SFAI.

I often watch a show called Seconds from Disaster. It's about all these horrible things that happen - airplane crashes, train wrecks - and the chain of events caused them. Almost always, it's something tragically minute, like an imperfection in a fan blade measuring 1/50000 of an inch. It's just incredible to think that something so small could cause so much suffering and death. I think my fascination with the show stems from realizing how little control we have over the wider picture - and simultaneously, how much. For example, the passenger in row 25 had no control over the cracked fan blade that sent them plunging to their death. But the person who forged the metal unwittingly had the control over the lives of innocent people.

Nothing is truly an accident; everything has a root cause.

In Buddhism, there aren't any commandments, per se. There are the five precepts, which are more like guidelines. See, every action has its consequences, and instead of being punished by an omniscient deity, if you fuck up, you'll have to pay for it in some way. If you put your hand on a hot stove, you'll burn yourself. Same concept. No God involved in the hot stove, just physics and biology.

Anyway, the first precept is translated as "refraining from destroying living creatures." This is the concept of ahimsa, or not harming. The Buddha said:

There is the case where a disciple of the noble ones, abandoning the taking of life, abstains from taking life. In doing so, he gives freedom from danger, freedom from animosity, freedom from oppression to limitless numbers of beings. In giving freedom from danger, freedom from animosity, freedom from oppression to limitless numbers of beings, he gains a share in limitless freedom from danger, freedom from animosity, and freedom from oppression.

So, when you avoid taking life, fear and hatred subside. It's just a natural consequence, like the hand and hot stove. This extends from killing people, which most of us agree is usually wrong, to killing the mosquito that just bit you. Try, for a week, respecting a bug as you would a person. You will actually feel your suffering diminish.

Ahimsa is not just about not killing, though. Gandhi said:

Literally speaking, ahimsa means non-violence towards life but it has much higher meaning. It means that you may not offend anybody; you may not harbor uncharitable thought, even in connection with those whom you consider your enemies. To one who follows this doctrine, there are no enemies.

Ahimsa or non-injury, of course, implies non-killing. But, non-injury is not merely non-killing. In its comprehensive meaning, ahimsa or non-injury means entire abstinence from causing any pain or harm whatsoever to any living creature, either by thought, word, or deed. Non-injury requires a harmless mind, mouth, and hand.

For most of us, it's pretty easy to avoid inflicting violence on another. We don't go around hitting people (at least, non-consensually). But what many of us fail to remember is that WE are also "living creatures." And we do far more violence to ourselves than anyone else does. I'm not talking about the obvious, like smoking, drinking, and overeating. I mean that little voice in your head that tells you you're no good, that you just made a bad decision, that you should be farther ahead in life, that you can't do anything right. That's the most dangerous violence of all, because it causes all of the other forms of violence. A person who is completely at peace with themselves does not fight others.Anyway, this is something I'm working on, on a daily basis. Every time a negative thought comes up, it leads to a split in my mind. A miniature civil war. "You shouldn't feel that way." That internal violence can spill out into the rest of my life if it's not quickly contained. And so I raise the white flag, and stop fighting myself. This doesn't imply "doing whatever I feel like." It's acknowledging that sometimes I have selfish thoughts, sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm jealous, etc., and not immediately trying to bash those thoughts down with a baseball bat. The anger will subside. It always does. What's important is not fighting it or fueling it.

I can't believe I've almost kicked the caffeine beast. I thought this would be harder than smoking, really. I don't feel lethargic, at least no more than normal. I don't feel brain-dead. I can't say I feel markedly better, but I trust in the long run that this is better for me.

I had a conversation with someone recently whereby they expressed feeling overwhelmed by the many things they had on their plate.

Here's what works for me:

1. Make a list of everything I can think of that has to be dealt with in the next 2 weeks.
2. To prioritize, consider the consequences of not doing each task. Put the task with the direst consequences on top, and the ones with no consequences at the bottom.
3. Break each task into smaller parts. If the task is "get new car insurance," it can be broken down into "call companies X, Y, and Z for rates," "choose company," "get copy of title," etc.
4. Start on the smallest task you can handle. Set your microwave timer for 15 minutes, and just do it. Let the phone ring. Don't turn on the TV. Don't check your e-mail. You'll almost definitely build up enough momentum to keep going once the timer goes off.
5. Accept that some things towards the bottom of the list just won't get done. Failure to dust the lampshades does not have dire consequences. Forgive yourself. The focus is on getting the important, nasty, stressful things out of the way first. The lampshades are merely a distraction keeping you from facing what you need to do.

I guess it's true. The more things change, the more things stay the same. I haven't written here since June, and as I reread my past posts, it's disturbing how little I've grown. It's only been 4 months, I suppose, but still, I should know better -- shouldn't I? Then again, nothing changes unless I change, and I really haven't. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

My whole problem - The Whole Problem - centers on control. I can't get enough of it. Certainty. Security. Gotta have it. Everything in my life is tailored to minimize risk and manage uncertainty. WHEN are you picking me up for dinner? WHERE are we going? WHAT should I wear so I don't look out of place?

WHY can't I just let go of all that? What the fuck does it matter, anyway?

Yeah, I'm angry. Angry at my inability to let go. Better anger than fear, or so they say.

I suppose it's like this: I have a tendency to keep saying "I'd like to start painting again." But I never buy any paint. Or take any classes. Or set up a studio. It's this idea that I have, this fantasy that I'm a painter. But maybe I suck. It's better not to paint then to paint and know you suck, right? Removes the uncertainty of will-I-suck-or-not. It's a foregone conclusion, based on the truth I tell myself that I must suck as a painter. Because if I didn't suck, I'd be doing it, right? Somebody would have dropped down out of the sky and said Hey, You Should Paint.

There is no somebody that drops out of the sky. There is no suckiness. There is no painting, unless I choose to make it so. There is no letting go, unless I choose to make it so. And really, I might suck at it. But there's only one way to know.