You Make The Day

I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be a buddhist symbol in the upper right corner. Found on a mailbox on Hartford and Maryland.

My first Internet crush

I'm listening to the song "Truly, Madly, Deeply" by Savage Garden (it's on an iTunes playlist called Sappy Love Songs). It reminds me of one of the first guys I ever talked to online. He lived one state away, and I thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread. We made tentative plans to meet, but never did. Looking back, I see what a trainwreck that would have been. The guy had red flags all over him. But my feelings at the time felt so real.

Feelings are just not something you can trust, which is why I maintain that love, true love, is not a feeling, but a decision. I decided to fall in love with my boy. It wasn't as cold as keeping a balance sheet of his good qualities vs. his flaws. It was simply a decision to allow myself to act on my feelings, because that was in my best interests. I don't see why people say they've decided to commit to someone, but they fall in love.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I have a cold and I'm hopped up on Sudafed. Maybe large doses of Vitamin C make you prone to introspection. At any rate, whenever I look back on all the relationships and pseudo-relationships I've ever had, I realize I've made the smartest choice of my life. There's no one I'd rather be with for five minutes.

Damn this playlist.

The Things that Make Me Wet

...are things like this, this, and this.

I know, I'm a dork.

Wow, just... wow.

I don't think I'd want to stand that close, personally.

Lots of other pics here.

Student Union ceiling

(Almost) Married, Not Dead

village voice > people > Married, Not Dead by Nora Shelley:

"Every night is like a standoff. I read in bed until I'm sure he's sleeping. He stays in his office surfing the Net until he's sure I'm sleeping. And then if we accidentally touch each other, we panic. The tension just builds and builds because you know you're going to have to do it soon, and you're afraid to. Afraid it's going to suck. Afraid you won't remember how."

Boy do I know this feeling. It's like a cowboy movie, where you're waiting to see who will make the first move towards their gun, and the tension is unbearable. It's soooo tempting to just take care of any urges myself, and forgo the awkwardness (or worse, possible rejection).

New beginnings

I start grad school again on Monday, so I'm trying to get organized in anticipation of that. In addition to taking 13 credits, I'm the TA for two classes, one of which is quite difficult for most people.

I have a new desk in my home office that gives me a lot more space. I bought a black leather desk organizer and letter trays. I have a combination bulletin board/white board above my monitor for notes and to-do lists. I've registered with Remember the Milk and I keep all my appointments on Google Calendar. I have my bookmarks saved on del.icio.us so that I can access them anywhere. I track my timewasting Internet habits with PageAddict.

So, I'm ready. Bring it on.

Another new beginning: the boy started a new job last Monday, and he seems more or less content with it. That's my goal, to see him content. I don't really care what he chooses to do in life, as long as it's not self-destructive and it makes him happy.

I'm up late, kinda wired. The boy is snoring in another room, and the cats are spooning on the couch.

So my mind drifted back to my college days, and I started to google people I've lost touch with. Just to see what they're up to.

HM - A girl I seriously crushed on - still lives in the same town and works for the university we both went to.

BK - A boy I seriously crushed on - joined the National Guard and got sent to Iraq (and made it back).

MB - A sweet, sensitive guy who was like the big gay Brazilian brother I never had - he got a degree in journalism and won some award.

PR - One of my closest friends, and my neighbor in the dorm - getting her master's degree in Canada.

NB - The wild and crazy girl who sold me my first strapon harness. I can't find any record of her, which is odd, because I thought of all of us that SHE would hit the "big time."

CD - The wild and crazy guy who unknowingly titillated me with stories of his sexual conquests. I can't find anything about him; he has the same name as a drummer and a high school hockey player.

DG - Another party girl I crushed on. The only mention of her is from 2001, when she got her engineering degree.

Then I looked up people from my high school.

The female history teacher I crushed on is now the principal of the school.

The male English teacher I crushed on (who turned out to be gay) is the director of something-or-other.

The valedictorian went to Yale and is a set designer in NYC's theatre scene.

My best friend (with whom I still keep in contact), is married with a kid and works from home.

My first friend in high school is incognito. Probably got married and changed her name.

The president of the Young Republicans is now a journalism professor. I guess he can't complain about liberal media bias.

The two hottest guys in school are nowhere to be found.

The coolest guy in school is assistant curator of a small museum in a big city.

The school tramp has the same name as a police officer in Miami. I suppose it could be the same person, but... I think not.

Anyway, that was my insomnia-fueled exercise in curiosity. Maybe tomorrow I'll tackle grade school.

Revelations

Everyday Wonderland » 5 Ideas for Stressful Living

Sometimes I wonder if there really is a God, and he's sending messages to me, because this sure seems like it arrived in my RSS reader at the perfect time.

So much for writing every day.

In our last therapy session, C mentioned that the foundation of trust in a relationship consists of:

• predictability
• reliability
• consistency

It really hit the nail on the head as far as what our problems are. I either don't find him to be those things, or I'm afraid he won't be at some future point. I'm also not exactly Ms. Consistent either. I let my moods sway me far too much.

"making things predictable" has ruled my psyche since I was a child. I've always wanted to know exactly what was going on, what was going to happen, and when. I felt like I always had to anticipate, always be prepared for the worst. I could only really count on myself, right? This just got burned into me, and I've been unable to shake that feeling that chaos is right around the corner. I wake up a lot of days filled with dread of some unknown fear. Rationally, it makes no sense. Yet, it's as if someone had told me, "sometime today, you will be mauled by a bear." I'd constantly be looking over my shoulder. Actually, I just wouldn't go outside.

Semester break is lovely (now that I'm over the flu). I'm luxuriating in the simple pleasures of life... having a kitten curled up in my lap, reading an actual book, sipping hot chocolate, listening to the Aaron Short EP I downloaded on iTunes.

I'm an anxious person by nature; I don't often feel relaxed, so it's hard for me to recognize the feeling when it comes. But I am feeling pretty damned good these days.

Seeing doubled

This is directly off the mobile. I cheated a bit by taking it last night, but I didn't get out of the house today as planned. Anyway, I'm amazed at the lighting. It just feels right.

I'm in a really solitary, introspective mood tonight. My bf is elsewhere and I find myself wishing he didn't come home just because I dread the potential tension. I guess I'm making it up in my mind before he ever arrives.

He was diagnosed with ADD about six months ago (he's 30something, like me) and I didn't really "get" what that meant until recently. I grew up with a bipolar mother and lots of the outward behaviors are the same. I have an intense need for security and reassurance, and it's not something he's able to provide. Or ever will, to the degree that I feel the need it.

This is equivalent to realizing my mother was never going to be "cured." It felt like all my dreams of a perfect childhood had died. It felt like a literal death, and it took me months to grieve.

I feel stupid sometimes for having gotten into this mess, because unlike my childhood, I purposely walked into it. Unlike my mom, I have the choice to leave him. All the ADD stuff I'm reading asks the question, "Are you prepared to live with this person even if they never change?" I just can't answer that right now. I don't know how much of the up-and-down I can take. I feel like I've paid my fucking dues and I'm angry at the universe for giving me more crap.

On the other hand, if I believe in karma, which I do, then this is an opportunity to face my demons. I can start to shed the desperate need for security and predictability. I can shed the dependency on others and start relying on myself, including taking responsibility for all those things that fall under my control. This path is a whole lot more work, but that usually means it's the right one.

Dammit.

My challenge to myself this year (rather than a resolution) is to get out of the house every single day, even if only to walk around the block. Repeated exposure is the only way I'll manage my agoraphobia. Doing something, anything, also helps with depression.

Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a whole hell of a lot going on in Milwaukee this next week. None of the movies playing nearby seem interesting. So I am going to have to make stuff up. There is a bike path nearby, and I don't live far from the lakefront, so if I want to commune with nature, it's not impossible. I just have to get my ass in gear.

It's funny how I judge others for their lack of motivation when I frequently have little of my own.

You know, it occurred to me last night that I have, on occasion, consciously chosen the victim role in my relationships. And the reason I've done this is because I feed off of the attention it brings me, whether negative or positive. I crave attention. Not the variety that Paris Hilton apparently seeks, but validation from my loved ones that I am real, I exist, I matter in their lives. When they've "wronged" me, or simply ignored me, I automatically jump to a mental fetal position. And then at some point I lash out.

My boyfriend and I are having some issues right now. The most pressing, for me, is that I have this dread that I won't be able to count on him. My logic supporting this consists of the fact that he often promises minor things, like household chores, but often fails to follow through. I think, "if he can't handle the small things, how is he going to handle bigger things?" We had a huge argument about this last night, and he seems to see it from the opposite perspective, like "what's the big deal?"

My favorite door in Milwaukee. 753 N. Water St.

Global warming?

I'm over my flu. It was like flipping off a light switch this morning. My mind said, "I'm tired of being sick," and it was over. I feel pretty good.

The other part of feeling good is that I came to a significant realization - I'm still looking for the acknowledgment I feel I missed as a child - this time, from my partner, and when I don't receive it, it hurts me to my core. I expect him to know that I need that, without me having to ask.

The unmet expectation often leads to childish behavior. That kid pulling on her mother's shirt saying "Mommy mommy mommy mommy!" until the mother finally looks at her? That's me. I'm doing that exact same thing in a slightly subtler way with my partner.

• I'm responsible for creating, managing, and releasing my expectations of other people.
• I'm responsible for the suffering those expectations cause me.
• I'm responsible for the behavior I exhibit as a result of that suffering.
  

Again, taken with mobile phone, hence the poor quality.

I knew I should have...

...gotten that flu shot. This is day 4 and I still feel like death warmed over. Fortunately I have very little that I absolutely *have* to do, so I've been staying home, chilling out with the animals, and trying not to puke. meanwhile, my headache rages on.

however, my gpa for last semester ended up at 3.75 - not fucking bad, considering.

back to bed.

Happy new year from the animals. This was taken with my mobile in the living room, hence the crappy resolution.

I intended to start this blog yesterday, with at least one photo per day, but I was in bed with the flu. I'm still not quite recovered, but I'm better.