Degrees of Freedom

So much for writing every day.

In our last therapy session, C mentioned that the foundation of trust in a relationship consists of:

• predictability
• reliability
• consistency

It really hit the nail on the head as far as what our problems are. I either don't find him to be those things, or I'm afraid he won't be at some future point. I'm also not exactly Ms. Consistent either. I let my moods sway me far too much.

"making things predictable" has ruled my psyche since I was a child. I've always wanted to know exactly what was going on, what was going to happen, and when. I felt like I always had to anticipate, always be prepared for the worst. I could only really count on myself, right? This just got burned into me, and I've been unable to shake that feeling that chaos is right around the corner. I wake up a lot of days filled with dread of some unknown fear. Rationally, it makes no sense. Yet, it's as if someone had told me, "sometime today, you will be mauled by a bear." I'd constantly be looking over my shoulder. Actually, I just wouldn't go outside.