Seeing doubled

This is directly off the mobile. I cheated a bit by taking it last night, but I didn't get out of the house today as planned. Anyway, I'm amazed at the lighting. It just feels right.

I'm in a really solitary, introspective mood tonight. My bf is elsewhere and I find myself wishing he didn't come home just because I dread the potential tension. I guess I'm making it up in my mind before he ever arrives.

He was diagnosed with ADD about six months ago (he's 30something, like me) and I didn't really "get" what that meant until recently. I grew up with a bipolar mother and lots of the outward behaviors are the same. I have an intense need for security and reassurance, and it's not something he's able to provide. Or ever will, to the degree that I feel the need it.

This is equivalent to realizing my mother was never going to be "cured." It felt like all my dreams of a perfect childhood had died. It felt like a literal death, and it took me months to grieve.

I feel stupid sometimes for having gotten into this mess, because unlike my childhood, I purposely walked into it. Unlike my mom, I have the choice to leave him. All the ADD stuff I'm reading asks the question, "Are you prepared to live with this person even if they never change?" I just can't answer that right now. I don't know how much of the up-and-down I can take. I feel like I've paid my fucking dues and I'm angry at the universe for giving me more crap.

On the other hand, if I believe in karma, which I do, then this is an opportunity to face my demons. I can start to shed the desperate need for security and predictability. I can shed the dependency on others and start relying on myself, including taking responsibility for all those things that fall under my control. This path is a whole lot more work, but that usually means it's the right one.


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