Degrees of Freedom

My challenge to myself this year (rather than a resolution) is to get out of the house every single day, even if only to walk around the block. Repeated exposure is the only way I'll manage my agoraphobia. Doing something, anything, also helps with depression.

Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a whole hell of a lot going on in Milwaukee this next week. None of the movies playing nearby seem interesting. So I am going to have to make stuff up. There is a bike path nearby, and I don't live far from the lakefront, so if I want to commune with nature, it's not impossible. I just have to get my ass in gear.

It's funny how I judge others for their lack of motivation when I frequently have little of my own.

You know, it occurred to me last night that I have, on occasion, consciously chosen the victim role in my relationships. And the reason I've done this is because I feed off of the attention it brings me, whether negative or positive. I crave attention. Not the variety that Paris Hilton apparently seeks, but validation from my loved ones that I am real, I exist, I matter in their lives. When they've "wronged" me, or simply ignored me, I automatically jump to a mental fetal position. And then at some point I lash out.

My boyfriend and I are having some issues right now. The most pressing, for me, is that I have this dread that I won't be able to count on him. My logic supporting this consists of the fact that he often promises minor things, like household chores, but often fails to follow through. I think, "if he can't handle the small things, how is he going to handle bigger things?" We had a huge argument about this last night, and he seems to see it from the opposite perspective, like "what's the big deal?"