an attempt to untangle the wires in my head

I've been very easily annoyed lately. It doesn't matter who, or why. This constant annoyance is something I lug around and it seems symptomatic of a perceived lack - a gap between my expectations and reality. I want x or y or z, I get a or b or c, and my annoyance = (x-a)+(y-b)+(z-c)... It all adds up to a tremendous weight.

There are four options, I suppose (see, even writing "I suppose" is symptomatic of my desire not to really admit to this problem).

  1. ask directly for x, y, or z

  2. seek x, y, or z from a different source

  3. seek values that are closer to a, b, or c than x, y, or z

  4. let go of my desire for x, y, or z
My sense of automatic entitlement is an obstacle to pursuing options other than subtle hints and/or pouting when I don't get what I want (the phrase "just like a woman" comes to mind. I assume that person K or M is purposely withholding xyz, and purposely giving me abc as some half-assed substitute. I feel like if I don't automatically get xyz, I'm somehow less of a person.

Remember this popular desktop toy from the '80s? This is how all those thoughts work. I pull back the first pendulum, and when I drop it, it hits the next one, which hits the next, etc., and it starts a rocking motion. The key to avoiding all that clatter is to avoid releasing the energy of that first thought that sets all the rest into motion.

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