I am still heavily invested in and attached to "what happens next." I want to know, with some degree of certainty, that I'm not going to lose my job, my boyfriend, my health. All 3 of those things are by nature impermanent. At some point I will "lose" them or willingly give them up. Yet I feel better when my boss seems to see me as indispensable, when my boyfriend says he loves me, because those things shore up that sand castle of security I've built in my mind.

"He says he loves me... that MEANS something... that's something I can hold onto, that no one can take away from me..." I struggle with this so much I'm sick of struggling. I make myself vomit. It's this attachment that pushes away the very thing I want, because when he fails to end a phone call with "I love you," the alarm bells start ringing. The castle walls have been breached! It's that panic that makes me cling more tightly. The more tightly I cling, the more he wants to let go.

My fallacy is that it's HIS fault: if he only gave me more security, I wouldn't feel so panicked. I struggle with balancing my need for security with the pain it causes me. Of course, it doesn't cause me any pain when my needs are met - only when they're not.

What, exactly, am I afraid of? What am I trying to protect? Who is this scared little unloved child lashing out at anyone who dares IGNORE her?